took 90mins to get back from xenbar today. partly because my legs couldn't move anymore, i sat beside the expressway for a while. thinking to myself, for the first time, the beauty of the expressway. one moment all is silent, the next, some piece of moving metal will zoom pass. imagine placing yourself slightly too far out from the kerb. in a while, one of the zooming pieces of metal will meet you. then, hopefully, your heart is weak enough to stop functioning due to the trauma.

it has to be your heart that stops working, it can't be only your brain, or some limbs.... a person is dead when the heart stops beating. but the same person is a vegetable if the brain stops working.

realised that i can't do a single thing well. i can't dance (fall down just by moving to my right), can't be a pharmacist (sucky grades), can't teach as well (i had to get someone else to teach for me), can't do stretching (stretch a bit more, my muscle is strained, plus my palms start bleeding and trembling).... FAILURE...

the only thing i probably can do is not eat. didn't/forgot to eat just now, and the only thing i ate today is a sandwich for brunch, and 2 cookies...and i have no appetite. not hungry.... is this an eating disorder?

why am i so accident prone?

i just jammed my hip bone into the stair railing...okay, that probably was a fault of mine, but one would have thought my hip was WAY below the height of something like the stair railing...

came back yesterday and found a new scratch on my ankle, still bleeding. and i looked a bit further down my feet, i saw the remains of another scratch on my big toe. (this one is more problematic cause it hurts and itches at the same time, and i use my big toe to slide into my splits) then since we're on the path of wound self-discovery, i decided to take a look at the rest of my leg. wala! blueblacks on my knees and ankles, scars for previous scratches, it's amazing how many times i can get stepped on/knocked/elbowed on the same day, not to mention same week.

is there something wrong with me? wonder if the wounds are inflicted on me by accident or otherwise.

Term break is ending...!!! Have i made good use of it?

for one, i haven't made use of the lack of morning lessons to wake up late. i keep waking up a 8 am.. thanks to the daily practical classes. then by the time i come back from xenbar, i'm all tired. so i want to sleep immediately. i feel quite bad about it, i dun have the energy to spend time with Jeremy. then usually i'll tired to stay awake for a while, but as time goes by, the need to sleep overcomes me, and i become a grumpy old woman, demanding sleep.

on the bright side, i've been having dreams of the march competition. it's not the nightmarish kind yet. i welcome it, coz it gives me ideas of what moves to include... last night i dreamt of cartwheels. i think i gotta write everything down soon, least i forget.

settled my international passport too, then i have to settle my ipsf registration, my pda is going to be replaced too, and i've actually started studying for my friday test!

okay, if things are going well, i think i'll start studying for biotech test too, then finishing vetting all the 5 practical reports that have piled up so far, then start writing my urops report. at least these take my mind of my aching leg muscles which are threatening to go on strike from the many splits it's forced to do.

don't have the time to think of other things...so busy...

i'm tired, and hurt, and stressed.

for the whole night, i was so stressed doing my work. then i want to go and sleep i mentioned that i haven't started on my urops report, then he raised his voice and told me to "fuck dance" and do my work.....*feels like a part of me got winced away*

it doesn't help that term break is coming, there's so much to revise and so many reports to do. and my own sense of perfection just has to sneak in and tell me that i've missed teaching half the syllabus for intermediate 1.... the one which i just finished teaching.... now i realised what alot i have missed out in teaching... i'm a bad teacher. that's only inter 1....

stressed to succeed in every area of my life. so many competitors.... how to beat them?

with so much homework piled up, i just didn't have the mood to go back to my room to do it... ironic right? so i decided to accompany dear Wingyee to her latin and ballroom dancing practice...

after dropping it for so long, i didn't have the confidence to do a single step of any dance at all. i just couldn't do weight change....but, the consoling factor was that nobody could do a proper samba step....*evil snigger*

and all i did there was criticise and criticise, the only compliment i paid, was to this friend whom i tot could dance better than the present president. apparently the president is supposed to be basking for SnB tmr at the central forum, killing the grace and beauty of latin dancing, not to mention having his hunched-back vice-president as his dance partner.

learning salsa has trained me to spot all these flaws... is that bad? but the rumba steps were good.... yes, they were good. if i had a partner to dance with, i wouldn't have stopped dancing latin. if i didn't stop, i wouldn't have started salsa.... wonder whether it's a blessing or not... i really wish i could do rumba with someone i have chemistry with... the couple who was supposed to bask for rumba was okay.... the girl is good, but the guy wasn't macho enough, wasn't looking like he was flirting with his partner, even though rumour has it that they are not together YET. it just wasn't sexy enough... i remembered watching a private lesson for rumba.... man, rumba's great!

I'm a horrible girl, everybody should hate me.

i know it's rash to start buying cosmetics after some make-up class.... but, well, i couldn't miss the chance to get my mom to sponsor it... so off i went to buy a new palette of eye shadow....

first counter i saw was shiseido...so, thinking how highly bianca tot of the brand because her aunt works for it, i decided to go look at it....GUEss what, a palette of 4 colours costs $114...... so i didn't even look at the other counters. maybeline was out coz the one that my mom bought for me as christmas present only gave off silver for all 3 colours (blue, pink, purple). just as i was giving up, i saw my dad register for elections... and i'm supposed to register too.... coz, by the magic of time, i'm already 21!! Lo and behold, i saw it..... WATSONS.... just a few(not that few) steps away... so i followed my toes.... and entered...

i found blue, red, green and purple hues.... was trying all the colours on my hand until it looked like the rainbow..the green was very nice.... but i guess since my mom's paying i'd better go with a decent colour, so i bought purple, the next nicest...

yah, so now i have a nice purple skirt, and a nice purple top, and nice purple eye shadow.

It's going to be an interesting Vday. at 2.30 am today, i received a call on my handphone by some guy i met at xenbar. i dun want to guess why he called.

current state: still very busy with dance and school, salsa 3 times a week, and practicals 4 times a week, plus one day of independent study...oh, haven't factored in the time i need to do my practical report or the time i need to study for my weekly CAs......how how? another competition is coming up. i'm not worried about the competition, i'm worried about the preparation.

The Hardest Thing by 98 degrees

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me
It's killing you
But both of us trying to be strong
I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusted me fast asleep
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you i don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending i don't love you

I know we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Doctor Zhivago
All my love i'll be sending
And you'll never know
'Cause there can be no happy ending

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you i don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending i don't love you

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to I can't stay
I've made up my mind
There's no turning back
She's been good to be
And she deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you i don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending i don't love you

My mom, and her brand new Singapore car.... she looks so happy...

1 or 2 kilos of butter prawns cooked on CNY eve...

the glutton of a brother...

that's my sister, Serene

my other sister---- Sharon

Isn't it good to be round and happy?

erm, christmas?

Salsa Withdrawal symptoms

i'm experiencing salsa withdrawal symptoms, i've been dreaming everyday of this same dimly lit place, where girls wear 3 and a half inch heels and do cool sorts of sexy moves, while there is a shortage of able-to-dance guys....

i want to go back to my hostel room. why? then i can complete all my practicals, do more research for my ride-on module, then i can catch up on my lectures and be ready for the next lap of school. yah, and also do more results processing for my urops... so that my urops report won't kill me later on in the semester.

all these, coupled with spending time with my friends, going out, and with jeremy. and at the same time, get rid of my eye bags... is that not possible? i don't like rotting at home, i prefer to do work all the time, consistently.

but my mom won't allow me to go back, coz its late already. and i'm scared of the night, in a foreign country.

eating mango frozen yoghurt now....

CNY in malaysia is good. coz then your whole neighbour will be setting off wonderful fireworks on the stroke of 12!.... red green, purple, blue.... wah... one house finish already, then another house start. so i just sit in the garden, on our stainless steel swing and watch. and there was a pleasant breeze as well!

had a wonderful home-cooked reunion dinner... mostly cooked by me.... so proud of myself. there was 2 kg of prawns, so we butter fried it in flour. took me so long to finish frying it....that we had to scrap cooking abalone and mixed veg, so that we can start eating at 8pm. there was also sweet sour chicken and herbal chicken... haha, for the person who cannot eat seafood.... and rendang and briyani.... weird mix.

was a good dinner i guess, my bro was making his own brand of prawn burger, with rice and carrot and prawn...our dogs had a good dinner too. haha

after that went to cousins' house to paly mahjong, i diao zhuang for so long, i think the rest of them got fed up, so i relinquished my winning seat to someone else, before all of them gang up against me. then we kooped cards from my cousins, brought it home and played bridge. in my sister's world, none of her friends know who to play bridge, only her dear siblings.... coz yours truly took the painstaking effort of educating them. wonder if its a good thing or not, coz my sister has learnt the game too early in life, and is excelling at it....everytime we pair up, we win, then we get to eat Merci chocolate. that was the reward for winning.... haha.

My favourite things
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Today is the eve of CNY eve. Jeremy has been taken away by his dad. to see his malaysian relatives. and his hp has no batt.

now i'm lonely. nobody to make supper for me. or massage me and my tired feet, or play dota with me.

lonely. saw my freshies taking a jog in the night. must admit it's a very pleasant and windy day, good day to run. but somehow, jeremy and me no longer take such night jogs because i'm just too tired after salsa. and if i dun go to xenbar, i'll want to rest or catch up on school work.

it's true, i have no time for him anymore. but if i dun push myself now, i'll never. so, i'm very sorry to do this to him.

The night is so cold