am developing sore throat, and having flu now....sigh...tmr mail run starts...and on thurs there's meeting with crusade people and sat meeting with pharmacy people....i want to catch harry potter!!!!!!!!!!!*whine* *whine* *whine*

[written on fri..]

am staring at the details of my defragmenting hard disk, find it so intriguing, so interesting that i can't stop staring at it...then i remembered what video artist, tan pin pin said about she observing unchanging stuff like surveillance cameras because she finds it so interesting, you don't know what's going to happen next, who can be totally sure that NOTHING will happen...hahaha, am glad that some arty-Farty ingenuity rubbed off on me...

couldn't get to sleep last night, spent 2 hours tossing and turning around, thinking. first i thought about blogging...emails...stillremembered once i had a nightmare on emails...thought about what i blogged yesterday, about jeremy leaving...then mmy mind slipped into thinking about some of my classmates who are working rite now, especially the one who's spoiling the market, working in ttsh now...year one only...wah lao!!! i started worrying about my job prospects, worrying about which area of pharmacy will i go into which will best suit me, clinical pharmacy sounds ok, except that i was thinking on the lines of working in clinics and not hospitals, then it hit me that it's not possible coz singapore hasn't given pharmacists dispensing rights. then i tot about my experience working at the nearby clinic, fantasized about going back there to work during one of the holidays, how i can get myself
a more favourable job than being an odd job labourer there. how, i could avoid cleaning the medicine shelves, how i can suggest new management methods to better organise medical records, maybe use thumbprint identification instead of name/ic no, maybe use all 3 fields, so i can do up a program for them and charge them for it, only problem is transferring all the old records over to the new database. and if they are going to use thumbprint identification, will the doctor go to such expense so as to keep an ordered medical record database? or maybe a program to improve drug management, like use the comp to keep track of expiring medication, and at the same time,
print out prescriptions instead of writing them, that will help alot..but then, who will maintain these records when i'm not working there?

so i mused around, played with these tots and tot of hospital pharmacy versus community pharmacy ie guardian pharmacy etc...or being some information service....it requires lots of memory work, writing papers...and keeping up. but no menial tasks...whole day sit around. community pharmacy, allows lots of promotions, managerial positions...but it might turn me into a career woman. hospital
pharmacy is more up beat, requires constant ungrading and keeping in touch with academia, which is a good thing, but they don't take many people...so there's so much confusion...sigh...

on a depressing note...the fact that i'm not going to see jeremy for 4 months is not hitting me in full yet..(thank god!) i'll be so alone in NUS, in the holidays...nobody to eat dinner with, nobody to make me study for tests, nobody to advise me on my papers, nobody to go out with impromtu, nobody to play with...(yup, jeremy is a good playmate) sigh... don't blame me for harping on my personal problems and relationships...i'll trying not to..but this is my blog...i'll say whatever i want... lots of people read it but don't leave a footprint what so ever... saw ling's blog, simin's blog...we're all blogging about the same things all the time, i mean there's a theme running thru the blogs...is our love lives, hate to admit that this area always surfaces from our thought...but it is what's going on in the back of our heads...

it's very disturbing, disrupting, to make adjustments to your life, from being independent then to dependent, then to independent again...then as if to fill the void in my life i'll go fishing for guys again....create small waves in others' and my life...so as to make Something happen... in a not so exciting life of ours. i mean, all the cartoons and movies etc allows us to put ourselves in the center of the whole, everything revolves around us...as if that's what happens in real life. now i watch cartoons with a tinge of distaste..actually not a tinge...it's with distaste and fascination at how gullible children are...

i want to learn dancing, but which one? jazz, tango, waltz?

am at home....slack weel for me before the mailruns start...baked a blueberry cake on sunday, baked butter cookies yesterday...delicious..serious! i'm not just saying it because i baked them...it's the recipe...hahaha. am thinking of selling cookies in the small bazaar sort of thing they're having before the tutorials start, it's $10 for the stall....but trouble is, do i have time to bake the cookies...and how many should i bake...and...to draw the crowd, i'll probably have to get an oven or snack maker to heat up the food and create the irresistible aroma...logistic prob...

arts festival coming up...can't go to the shows...jeremy doesn't really appreciate them...

am blasting all my old old cds eg m2m's first album, backstreet boys...don't know what possessed me to buy bbboys...tsk tsk..

FINALLY got my laptop at home...and i'm continuing my crusade to conquer dungeon keeper...and i actually connected and troubleshot problems wrt my laptop and home comp...can't wait for my bro to come back so that we can play together..

haven't blogged often enough to realise when blogger changed their interface.

slacked around at home, finally sat down to finish the write-up for my long past event. and send it to all the dogs chasing me for it.

had a quarrel with my mom yesterday, ended with her saying thunder and lightning will strike me for being so ungrateful. coz she was complaining how ever since i came back, my sister has been playing computer games and not studying for her exams, play until whole day, electricity bills will rise, plus, make my sisters sleep late on weekdays. and i was like thinking, they cannot control themselves not to play its not my fault. work hard and play hard, i have the right to play all day long, just because my sis cannot control herselves, doesn't mean i cannot do what i want. then she complain i everyday icq and talk on the phone...one call $13...wait till she sees this month's bill.....then i complain she treats me like a primary school kid....but she pointed out that she's been allowing me to go out till late... giving me money to shop (for groceries), allowing me to sleep late at night and icqing my friends....and fetching me home from the customs even though it was in the middle of her tv show and i haven't lift a finger to do house work....

sigh...at that moment i actually felt a great unfairness being done to me....

yesterday, went out with this guy i knew from tj...treat him cheese cake, bought him a cute pillow...but i wonder if he remembers my birthday too. the meeting ended with me admitting i was attached...so now he's enquiring about jeremy.

supposed to entertain this group of army guys in malaysia today, my friend said they wanted to clear their leave...in the end...don't want to come anymore....wasted my time making overseas call, trying to finalise details with him, ended up boring myself with "the joy of running" and army talk....

----forgot what i actually wanted to blog about anymore----

haven't updated in ages.....can't believe what possessed me to blog all that...

it's almost one month since sch ended and i haven't done most of what i set out to do...like writing friend's testimonials...and learn programming...(i'm really inching through my book) so much i have done to meet up with old friends....

meet up with fiona, my jc classmate ...i love to please her...she gets really cute when she's happy...and it makes me happy too...i know of others who'll go an extra mile to please her as well....haha..and i actually got this idea of starting an earring business...she loves making earrings...you know... the beads and stuff...then me and her other friends help do the marketing and sorts...hahaha and we get new earrings as perks.... sounds so feasible....

my brother took my laptop away from me....he's staying in singapore now...and one weekend he came back saying he requires my laptop for website designing and got my mom's permission to take it back with him....after that i never saw my laptop again....so no matter what pictures i took from the melaka trip cannot be uploaded....

oh the malacca trip was fun and exhausting....we went to 6 shopping centres in 2 days and spent all our money till we had to camera-shop in the last two places...you know...like take pictures of the clothes of stuff we like and imagine yourself owning it. and we went to the historical places at night...hahaha...coz buildings cannot be closed to you... on the outside....and i tasted my first cocktail...didn't like it...was disappointed that it was only alcohol and lime juice.....

watched troy today. i think it was an awesome movie....my attention was on the movie...for most of the time....a lot of the time...which says a lot for a person who has short attention span....brad pitt looks "delicious"-qoute from a friend. was surprised by the nakedness of the characters...the first scene brad pitt are in....in bed, naked...saw his upper torso...a bit lower and his butt....sleeping with 2 other girls...also naked....tsk tsk tsk...greeks!

then the princes of troy...hector was so valiant...hah......pretty headdresses and earrings...very blue and piercing eyes of the king of troy....actually i love this character, i felt his anguish for the downfall of his country...felt it quite acutely, i tried hard to convince myself this only happened a long time ago...and i'm living in a safe era..(nothing like a nice mushroom swiss for the empty stomach to calm my fears.)

well...more emails and meetings to clear...do i sound busy?

i'm a big crybaby

jeremy told me i hurt his parents' when i commented that the food they bought wasn't the best. then i felt so bad i started crying. stupid rite?

i blundered and i don't want to be responsible for it.....i want to wipe the slate clean...but there's no possibility in doing that.....so i said i wanted to go find another family who will accept me....he wished me good luck....is that as good as a break-up? i don't know....i want to escape for it....will be going to malacca for 3 days starting monday.... will not call him or sms him.... anyway he doesn't miss me ....he doesn't call me...(i'm just throwing a big tantrum...like i always do....) why can't i throw tantrums.... i can't i write emails the way i want to...and not care about misinterpretation of my intentions when people read it. why do people read so much into emails....i've always treated them as avenues of providing infomation and correspondence....correspondence doesn't need the writer to sound happy all the time, or does it? (this matter will scar me for the rest of my life)