hello world.

let me tell you a story about a boy and a girl. there exists, a certain boy, who loved this ordinary girl so much, so much more than ved himself. he gave her all the food she loved even though he liked to eat them as well. he scrimped and save in everything he used, so that he could splurge on her whenever he had the chance. he was always there to provide any support she needed. all he wanted was to keep her by his side always.
the ordinary girl basked in his love. but she just couldn't be satisfied. she always wanted more, more understanding, more consideration. the more she wanted the less she gave. nonetheless, the boy still gave more...when she finally claimed that the boy was bullying her. she broke his little heart. the word "hurt" inflicted pain to both when he told her "you've hurt me"

the ordinary girl couldn't give him anything in return, for the time he gave, she took and used it. for his money, she took and claimed as hers. for his love, she took and didn't return. yet all he wanted was for her to be there. but she as never there where he needed her.

to this extraordinary boy, it was ok to see her fault. to the ordinary girl, the only way she was going to be good enough for him was to cover all her faults so that she could forge a worthy partner for the boy to love.


however, me thinks the boy should just go find somebody more compatible and worthy of his love.

i need a tea break.

on my way home, i was thinking of what happened yesterday, i'm so overwhelmed by what happened, i was quite silent today. yet, i didn't want to think too much coz the moment i tot it, i'll forget about it just as soon. but, writing it down doesn't help coz i write too slow.

can't believe how besotted i am of this guy. he has me thinking of him all the time. and yet...he likes to poke fun at me at the expense of my ego. enough people who know me, know that i have a larger than average dose of ego. and the reason it stays is that i don't give a hoot about what most people think. and yet, this guy, this one whom i've open up to, he pokes fun at me. forever bringing up the event that i fell for this crap in which he was making up a news report, exaggerating the extent of malaysia's foolishness. he is more well read than me, and i trusted every word he said. so i believed, only to be laughed at. i was hurt, but never mind, i attributed it to my inability to discern between truth and fiction, in his words, my malaysian genes....which ultimately meant, to him, stupidity.

from then on, i had doubted everything he said, except for the fact that he loved me. becoz somehow, he had convinced me of the fact with more than just words, with actions and emotions which took a great actor to forge.

i've always taken his jibes at my intelligence light-heartedly but little does he know that i'm seriously hurt that he thinks so little of me. nonetheless, it's a fact that he does well academically. but i'm still hurt all the same.

last night i tot he was bring another joke on me with the story of mormons. he said it was true but i didn't believe it as he did try to trick me into thinking i accidentally locked myself out of my room before. it took a certain amount of disbelief before he finally revealed his trick. the doubt ended when he claimed how hurt he was that i didn't trust him. he'd spend money on ornamental objects so as to see the momentary happiness and surprise on my face when he presented them to me. and yet i didn't love him enough to trust him.

that was the breaking point, i;ve cried the third time in his presence even since october. i've never cried in front of my ex. i don't want to appear like a cry baby, something i consider a weakness, it's something guys attribute to girls. being me, i've always wanted to oppose that belief, i was not going to let him see me cry another time!

and yet, the way he calls my name, with that desperate urgency and anxiousness made the last wall of defence which i had wanted to build collapse and i wept somemore. i wept somemore.

got chronic flu......terrible.......not pneumonia cuz it's not THAT terrible. noticed that FAITH is still the only one reading and commenting on my blog conscienciously.....thanks girl, i feel so encouraged, you're the reason this blog is still alive......mostly.....if not totally.....

love giving out presents, it feels great being santa claus....or santarina.....love shopping, love buying, love giving....just....need...money....which is a very exhaustive matter....*digs head under pillow and think*

was thinking...

if someone dear were to leave us forever now, would you grieve? Is grievance a choice, whether to express our feelings for not, or a choice of well-being?

situation 1: you sob uncontrollably because you feel so sad... and all your friends try to comfort you.

Situation 2: you be the strong one. no tears for you.

yet however, grieving seems to be an emotional release. if one doesn't grief, the feelings of lost can be very upsetting and haunt you all the time for years to come. maybe, taking time off to grieve, not cry, maybe a little, but to grieve and sort out your tots....maybe that grieving time is needed by everyone for the soul....

(don't ask me why the topic, the human brain twists and tosses so many times before we speak)

Green You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

"the last class of my old professor's life took place once a week in his home, by a window, in his study, where he could watch a small hibiscus plant shed its pink flowers. The class met on tuesdays. No books were required. The Subject was the meaning of life. It was taught from experience. The teaching goes on."

--"Tuesdays with Morrie"
Mitch Albom

Idol


The ULTIMATE personality test
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locked myself out of my room 4 times this sem already...today just happened to chance upon one of the fine payment letters that pgp has sent to me. wah, cham....but how to cure my forgetfulness???

yes, i'm back at my laptop at nus....free usage of internet...felt so restricted at home...use one hour siblings start to stare at what i'm doing online, use 2 hours, "jie ah, why use so long one"....don't find it enough at all. free usage is so much better. i do love free internet usage...(oh no, assimilating the hypnopaedic styles of characters in Brave New world)....

went to see doc today. now medicine is taking effect....my eye lids are getting heavy....heavy...but must do some work because tomorrow, i'm going to watch matrix revolutions!!! yay, didn't get to watch the sequel to it the last time so am watching the marathon thingy...so nice, my bf booked tickets, knowing i didn't watch the sequel...ok, he's not stupid, he can take hints...hahaha...he can't let any hints slip by cuz that will give me reason to say he's slow...and apparently, there's this joke saying singaporeans are smarter than malaysians and he's out to prove that right....oh well, shall wait and see.

achieved lots of leisure points yesterday. got to eat my fav laksa from the shop near my house...actually wanted to eat either the chicken rice or the wanton mee, but...think think, i have a greater craving for laksa...so went to eat, dun mind having the sore throat now, heh. oh, then went to play mahjong with my sister and cousin...i won 10 games out of 24 hehehe...but no money involved. got clean fun. then later baked a chocolate almond cake....then proceeded to cook dinner....(so long never cook with a real flame, pgp all heaters) cooked fries, peppered fish tempura, honeyed hot dogs...wah....cooking is fun you know....the food tastes a great deal better too...hahaha, no offence to my mom..!

i'm BACK....everything i write it's either i'm very happy or troubled....now, i'm very troubled. i really dun know how my term paper will turn out...draft due this sat, fri i'm going to mug for my anat test which is on sat itself. how? don't know what direction and thesis statement to adopt. very worried i will fault. ....and then i just cannot type anything out on the word document....stare at it for two whole days barely got a working outline.....doesn't help that i have a connexus editor beside me....i just....can't write something good.....i mean, how to bring the theme of literature and ethics and conditioning together in the book of Brave New World......

but....school is ending...."ending"....reading period is drawing near...i'm scared but not as scared of the essay than my exams....so...think next sem, take more examinable subjects....i'm better at mugging than racking my brains....if there's something to rack on....getting stressed....feel like chopping off my hair... but it barely grew long enough for me to flaunt.

tsk tsk tsk.....

i feel good about myself today....made a point to drink some milk, some vitagen, pink dolphin vitamised water, ate less than yesterday.....(ate at swensens, until i really really couldn't touch the banana split...although i liked it alot alot....but too full). plus, conditioned my hair, did a mask, putting an end to envy bash...finishing the reports!!!finally can get down to publicising the badminton tournament...hopefully i can get 50 sign-ups. went down to nussu secreteriat to get the posters apporved and stamped (personally by Sin Chang).....feels good......plus Dg too.....and i joined friendster.......OMG, friendster is very very addictive. only thing, didn't do any work....checked my test scores....i'm the 32th in a class of 87......not very good not very bad either. and i received more flowers.....life is good. (did i mentioned my mom called too?)

i love life.....but ...i hate to fail

i got last in class for my first physio test. the one i went to ice skate the sat before, the one i didn't study for coz i was finishing my usp essay, the one i had to write essays with a strained left wrist.

was so upset about it i went to the co-op, bought 2 packets of the hello panda choclate biscuits and finshed then in one fell swoop. i don't usually eat so much chocolate. after i finished with it, i was so sedated i fell asleep. the bad spell stayed with me until after the pharmaceutical society meeting ended....i think by then my depressed mood was more due to my inability to get anything done than because i did so badly for my test.

anyway, my anat test was last sat.....got the results....slightly above average in class. but still, i need to work harder.

[continue later, going to watch Underworld now]

[am back....=)]

underworld the movie is very scary....non stop action....scary...i'm not the very timid kind you know....but to best enjoy the movie leave your common sense at home including all military training and biology knowledge....if i'm not overcomed by fatigue, i don't think i can sleep just thinking about the movie...

but i like vampire movies...

back to all my mountain of work..

am very stressed now.....

sat morning (today) had anatomy test....studied most of it the day before and one impt chapter sometime earlier in the week, and lo and behold i forgot everything i studied in that chapter...i'm regretting it....supposed to be a damn easy paper but i guess i'm going to score quite averagely in it...sigh...

it's not comforting news that 2 out of 4 or my classamates who are also in usp are planning to drop usp.

and on monday got another test. need to submit an essay tmr night...haven't started on it. die

am still blaming myself for the marketing screw up. does not help that people are opening telling me i'm wrong. i know it, just that i feel less terrible when people try to tell you,no it's not entirely your fault....

AND, i'm so stressed about my badminton tournament....tried to book a court but.....all the courts were booked already....now have to postpone it again....don't know how to tell my president....if i try to hold it next next week, everybody will be preparing for tests.....postpone indefinitely...???it just doesn't put my mind to rest.....makes me feel so so so much like a failure....my first event and it just doesn't work out. and the other subcom seems to be doing really well. the marketing side of nusps seem to be getting their replys and all from their sponsors...the thing is....some of my members are in those other coms too... i'm so worried that they might think i'm very inefficient.

advice anybody??

yah loh wanling, i'm too busy for updates...

was telling rena and simin yesterday in the reading room that nowadays got nothing to rite about other than my "candestine" relationship. but there's got to be something more to my life than him rite.....cannot let him dominate my life...but what to do...see each other everyday, eat dinner together.

shall start with last friday...went to yong ping's bbq at east coast...pleasant surprise to see ron there...is that his name? he reminds me of this guy that my best friend had a crush on in jc...but that guy's a prc...very talented one at that. that was the start of a very boring weekend....boring relative to the birthday weekend i had last year...last year my bday was on fri, this year on sat...wonder if next year will be on sun...so lucky huh?

(interrupt this to mention that just now during dg, they promised to get me a cake next week...and i'm supposed to think of 3 wishes...can't think of that many....any suggestions?)

yah then build up to envy bash...not very exciting, waited like the whole day and excitement just wasn't mounting,.....only thing that was interesting is the temasek hall dance...the song was stuck in my head for 3 days....until white flag by dido took over.

aftermath of bash is looking better now....so glad the seniors are helping...i wouldn't know what to do...faith was there when i was feeling worst....thanks SO MUCH gal...

find that i like mugging....like the feeling of completing all my tuts and going ahead in class...managed to build a good impression on my physical pharm lecturess...not too bad for my organic chem lecturer...he's starting to rem our faces from this picture class list...so scary, didn't know they had such things for each lecturer to refer to...so if you need some one to impersonate you...either your photo must be very blur or the person must be your twin/clone. well, the org chem lecturer knows me now...name so simple and easy...the lab tech nows me too....for making most noise during prac and posing them most questions...

went to ikea on sunday...bought this gothic looking metallic tea light/candle holder...has got stars all over it, moderate number lah...appeals to me...

went to jec yesterday, bought 2 pairs of very AA earing...long and dangling...rem to catch me wearing it...

came across this clothes shop which i found very tempting to buy their clothes only thing was that their prices all started with 2....so....but the salesgirl kept passing me nice tops to try on....OHHHH....could you all imagine how hard it was for me to say....NO, i don't want to buy. but i managed in the end...yay..

have decided to go for this camp from dec 8-13th...sounds very fun...this is the website..go look at it....then we can go for the camp together...heh
http://meta.everystudent.com.sg

very tired.

conquered kent ridge park...and reached pasir panjang road after dinner. and i forgot there's a meeting today.

at 5pm i was like....is there a meeting today? then i checked my diary...no...little did i realise that i didn't update my diary recently....darn...spoil my perfect attendance..

then again, got two very happy things to celebrate...i did well for my physicochem drug action module...one of the tests i took with a sprained left wrist.....got an average mark....32/40...a bit low for my expectations...means i need to work hard but i'm not that stupid in class.... and more importantly, YAYAYAY i finally got the ASEAN undergrad scholarship....yay.....took a big load of my mom's back....

start of new week.....find that i'm dreading to go to my usp module forum......it's like i have to comment but i can't think of something to write everything i go to the forum i have no frame of mind to do any critical thinking. and then i just procrastinate and procrastinate....

just came back from orchard....finally caught pirates of carribean...johnny depp very funny...surprised me alot that cine was sold out for the 9pm show...

took 14 back...quite a short journey....

now it's the start of a new week... a busy one...must buck up and push more contact with my sponsor coz she's too busy for me....and then after this week must plan for the badminton tournament then after that must start serious mugging for my CAs.....so i have to turn down my social life....heard that??as much as i hate to do so....everybody must help me implement this ah...

dejavu....

totally subscribe to the belief that negatives compliment the positives....like lack of something makes having a greater pleasure.

always have this problem of saying no to people....can't bear to say no...in the end i suffer the consequences of my weakness....too little sleep, i end up having a very weak immune system...from my already weak constitution...

yeah, had a good seminar session for my lit class today despite not preparing for it at all, all thanks to the 4 hours of sleep i got just before i went for lesson. sort of impressed the "biggest" threat in class...not really, but i felt that it's a personal thing....a self confidence thingy.

think must start mugging for my upcoming exams and draft my essay too...so i dun get to tied up when the deadline approaches, talking about this, i think must start doing my practical reports too.

am attending nussu agm now....faith thank god you decided that you don't want to and cannot come for this this is so boring....but all thanks to the laptops provided by wanling and marc...books, food etc...it's still quite bearable....not to mention the company lah...the last row occupied by vulcans...

i kind of derived a liking to people identifying sickness in me....proves that i'm so ill that it shows on my face...but i'm happy that i'm still surviving the stress and physical limitations.

talking about stress...i blame my present stress level on src...!@#$%^

am revisiting Queen of the damned, did i ever mentioned that i totally love anne rice's vampire chronicles? but i realised that i've forgotten a lot about all the characters in the chronicles...i only rem pandora and marius, who are, quite obviously my favourite characters.

am participating in a ppol competition tmr, hope i dun make a big foool out on my amatuer skills. haha

realised that this blog is no longer a safe haven for my thoughts anymore, esp someone...but then again when was this place "safe".

am very sick...think my mom foresaw this. she told me i was as pale as a sheet during the weekend...made so much chicken soup for me to drink at home...but in vain, this only managed to delay the onset of flu symptoms till today.

am letting my quality of work decline...usually i take pride in my work...not...it's really hard to be proud of anything i do. feeling quiting my ecas...but i'm already half way sucked in...

WHY CANT I GET A BADMINTON COURT!!!!!

have to delay/postpone the badminton tournament i'm organising indefinitely...my first project and such a failure. hate myself for that.

more reason to hate myself...i look bad in the first photo i took with him...sharks.!!

some more reason: may be someone can list more for me

was actually very happy on tues...went shopping, at metro, and watsons...bought skin care pdts which i normally dun need/use at all, going old. metro had sale, nice clothes...sale plus i had a voucher...buy buy buy

bought this very cute singing/moving unicorn soft toy which i saw a while ago...love it. wonders whether i should give it away or not. nobody buys soft toys for themselves rite?

went jogging to west coast too. man, i really declined in stamina...cannot even run out of nus campus, i think i only ran 1.6 km....failure...but west coast was very nice...nice playground but lots of mosquitoes *scratch scratch*

sick still...

slept 3 hours only last night....how come everybody is so surprised that i bother to wake up for my 8am lectures....actually if i start skipping lectures....what's the point of staying on campus.

am so glad i'm finally spending time at home....slacking....no essays fighting to complete....somehow i think cca work is slacking....will have to go shopping for the food hampers tomorrow...hahaha, giving out food hampers as prizes. inspired idea from one of my friends....this way prizes look big and won't exceed our budget...am glad my sub com is growing...in numbers and in efficiency...yay....

came home, found candle wax everywhere on the porch....think my sisters had a nice maf this yr...mine wasn't that bad either...had 3 celebrations thruout the week...

need to be more resolute about studying and sleeping more...if not i'll slip into a 3rd week of sleeping 3 hours everyday...mind over temptations...mind over temptations.....

so happy today that witnessing turned out really well.

actually the tougher cases were handled by another person...so i was left with the more prepared hearts. . . talked to my classmates too...so nice, we were witnessing to these other two girls at the pharmacy branch of science then my classmates just came and sat down, and i started evangelising to her....it's like she was brought to me....brought to God....then more and more of my classmates attending the same gem came....so happy...

then got so many people who stay at pgp too....got my bible today too....so excited i'm going to read esther....my mom's name...

didn't know evangelising so exciting.....