i need a tea break.

on my way home, i was thinking of what happened yesterday, i'm so overwhelmed by what happened, i was quite silent today. yet, i didn't want to think too much coz the moment i tot it, i'll forget about it just as soon. but, writing it down doesn't help coz i write too slow.

can't believe how besotted i am of this guy. he has me thinking of him all the time. and yet...he likes to poke fun at me at the expense of my ego. enough people who know me, know that i have a larger than average dose of ego. and the reason it stays is that i don't give a hoot about what most people think. and yet, this guy, this one whom i've open up to, he pokes fun at me. forever bringing up the event that i fell for this crap in which he was making up a news report, exaggerating the extent of malaysia's foolishness. he is more well read than me, and i trusted every word he said. so i believed, only to be laughed at. i was hurt, but never mind, i attributed it to my inability to discern between truth and fiction, in his words, my malaysian genes....which ultimately meant, to him, stupidity.

from then on, i had doubted everything he said, except for the fact that he loved me. becoz somehow, he had convinced me of the fact with more than just words, with actions and emotions which took a great actor to forge.

i've always taken his jibes at my intelligence light-heartedly but little does he know that i'm seriously hurt that he thinks so little of me. nonetheless, it's a fact that he does well academically. but i'm still hurt all the same.

last night i tot he was bring another joke on me with the story of mormons. he said it was true but i didn't believe it as he did try to trick me into thinking i accidentally locked myself out of my room before. it took a certain amount of disbelief before he finally revealed his trick. the doubt ended when he claimed how hurt he was that i didn't trust him. he'd spend money on ornamental objects so as to see the momentary happiness and surprise on my face when he presented them to me. and yet i didn't love him enough to trust him.

that was the breaking point, i;ve cried the third time in his presence even since october. i've never cried in front of my ex. i don't want to appear like a cry baby, something i consider a weakness, it's something guys attribute to girls. being me, i've always wanted to oppose that belief, i was not going to let him see me cry another time!

and yet, the way he calls my name, with that desperate urgency and anxiousness made the last wall of defence which i had wanted to build collapse and i wept somemore. i wept somemore.