i'm BACK....everything i write it's either i'm very happy or troubled....now, i'm very troubled. i really dun know how my term paper will turn out...draft due this sat, fri i'm going to mug for my anat test which is on sat itself. how? don't know what direction and thesis statement to adopt. very worried i will fault. ....and then i just cannot type anything out on the word document....stare at it for two whole days barely got a working outline.....doesn't help that i have a connexus editor beside me....i just....can't write something good.....i mean, how to bring the theme of literature and ethics and conditioning together in the book of Brave New World......

but....school is ending...."ending"....reading period is drawing near...i'm scared but not as scared of the essay than my exams....so...think next sem, take more examinable subjects....i'm better at mugging than racking my brains....if there's something to rack on....getting stressed....feel like chopping off my hair... but it barely grew long enough for me to flaunt.

tsk tsk tsk.....

i feel good about myself today....made a point to drink some milk, some vitagen, pink dolphin vitamised water, ate less than yesterday.....(ate at swensens, until i really really couldn't touch the banana split...although i liked it alot alot....but too full). plus, conditioned my hair, did a mask, putting an end to envy bash...finishing the reports!!!finally can get down to publicising the badminton tournament...hopefully i can get 50 sign-ups. went down to nussu secreteriat to get the posters apporved and stamped (personally by Sin Chang).....feels good......plus Dg too.....and i joined friendster.......OMG, friendster is very very addictive. only thing, didn't do any work....checked my test scores....i'm the 32th in a class of 87......not very good not very bad either. and i received more flowers.....life is good. (did i mentioned my mom called too?)

i love life.....but ...i hate to fail

i got last in class for my first physio test. the one i went to ice skate the sat before, the one i didn't study for coz i was finishing my usp essay, the one i had to write essays with a strained left wrist.

was so upset about it i went to the co-op, bought 2 packets of the hello panda choclate biscuits and finshed then in one fell swoop. i don't usually eat so much chocolate. after i finished with it, i was so sedated i fell asleep. the bad spell stayed with me until after the pharmaceutical society meeting ended....i think by then my depressed mood was more due to my inability to get anything done than because i did so badly for my test.

anyway, my anat test was last sat.....got the results....slightly above average in class. but still, i need to work harder.

[continue later, going to watch Underworld now]

[am back....=)]

underworld the movie is very scary....non stop action....scary...i'm not the very timid kind you know....but to best enjoy the movie leave your common sense at home including all military training and biology knowledge....if i'm not overcomed by fatigue, i don't think i can sleep just thinking about the movie...

but i like vampire movies...

back to all my mountain of work..

am very stressed now.....

sat morning (today) had anatomy test....studied most of it the day before and one impt chapter sometime earlier in the week, and lo and behold i forgot everything i studied in that chapter...i'm regretting it....supposed to be a damn easy paper but i guess i'm going to score quite averagely in it...sigh...

it's not comforting news that 2 out of 4 or my classamates who are also in usp are planning to drop usp.

and on monday got another test. need to submit an essay tmr night...haven't started on it. die

am still blaming myself for the marketing screw up. does not help that people are opening telling me i'm wrong. i know it, just that i feel less terrible when people try to tell you,no it's not entirely your fault....

AND, i'm so stressed about my badminton tournament....tried to book a court but.....all the courts were booked already....now have to postpone it again....don't know how to tell my president....if i try to hold it next next week, everybody will be preparing for tests.....postpone indefinitely...???it just doesn't put my mind to rest.....makes me feel so so so much like a failure....my first event and it just doesn't work out. and the other subcom seems to be doing really well. the marketing side of nusps seem to be getting their replys and all from their sponsors...the thing is....some of my members are in those other coms too... i'm so worried that they might think i'm very inefficient.

advice anybody??

yah loh wanling, i'm too busy for updates...

was telling rena and simin yesterday in the reading room that nowadays got nothing to rite about other than my "candestine" relationship. but there's got to be something more to my life than him rite.....cannot let him dominate my life...but what to do...see each other everyday, eat dinner together.

shall start with last friday...went to yong ping's bbq at east coast...pleasant surprise to see ron there...is that his name? he reminds me of this guy that my best friend had a crush on in jc...but that guy's a prc...very talented one at that. that was the start of a very boring weekend....boring relative to the birthday weekend i had last year...last year my bday was on fri, this year on sat...wonder if next year will be on sun...so lucky huh?

(interrupt this to mention that just now during dg, they promised to get me a cake next week...and i'm supposed to think of 3 wishes...can't think of that many....any suggestions?)

yah then build up to envy bash...not very exciting, waited like the whole day and excitement just wasn't mounting,.....only thing that was interesting is the temasek hall dance...the song was stuck in my head for 3 days....until white flag by dido took over.

aftermath of bash is looking better now....so glad the seniors are helping...i wouldn't know what to do...faith was there when i was feeling worst....thanks SO MUCH gal...

find that i like mugging....like the feeling of completing all my tuts and going ahead in class...managed to build a good impression on my physical pharm lecturess...not too bad for my organic chem lecturer...he's starting to rem our faces from this picture class list...so scary, didn't know they had such things for each lecturer to refer to...so if you need some one to impersonate you...either your photo must be very blur or the person must be your twin/clone. well, the org chem lecturer knows me now...name so simple and easy...the lab tech nows me too....for making most noise during prac and posing them most questions...

went to ikea on sunday...bought this gothic looking metallic tea light/candle holder...has got stars all over it, moderate number lah...appeals to me...

went to jec yesterday, bought 2 pairs of very AA earing...long and dangling...rem to catch me wearing it...

came across this clothes shop which i found very tempting to buy their clothes only thing was that their prices all started with 2....so....but the salesgirl kept passing me nice tops to try on....OHHHH....could you all imagine how hard it was for me to say....NO, i don't want to buy. but i managed in the end...yay..

have decided to go for this camp from dec 8-13th...sounds very fun...this is the website..go look at it....then we can go for the camp together...heh
http://meta.everystudent.com.sg

very tired.

conquered kent ridge park...and reached pasir panjang road after dinner. and i forgot there's a meeting today.

at 5pm i was like....is there a meeting today? then i checked my diary...no...little did i realise that i didn't update my diary recently....darn...spoil my perfect attendance..

then again, got two very happy things to celebrate...i did well for my physicochem drug action module...one of the tests i took with a sprained left wrist.....got an average mark....32/40...a bit low for my expectations...means i need to work hard but i'm not that stupid in class.... and more importantly, YAYAYAY i finally got the ASEAN undergrad scholarship....yay.....took a big load of my mom's back....

start of new week.....find that i'm dreading to go to my usp module forum......it's like i have to comment but i can't think of something to write everything i go to the forum i have no frame of mind to do any critical thinking. and then i just procrastinate and procrastinate....

just came back from orchard....finally caught pirates of carribean...johnny depp very funny...surprised me alot that cine was sold out for the 9pm show...

took 14 back...quite a short journey....

now it's the start of a new week... a busy one...must buck up and push more contact with my sponsor coz she's too busy for me....and then after this week must plan for the badminton tournament then after that must start serious mugging for my CAs.....so i have to turn down my social life....heard that??as much as i hate to do so....everybody must help me implement this ah...

dejavu....

totally subscribe to the belief that negatives compliment the positives....like lack of something makes having a greater pleasure.

always have this problem of saying no to people....can't bear to say no...in the end i suffer the consequences of my weakness....too little sleep, i end up having a very weak immune system...from my already weak constitution...

yeah, had a good seminar session for my lit class today despite not preparing for it at all, all thanks to the 4 hours of sleep i got just before i went for lesson. sort of impressed the "biggest" threat in class...not really, but i felt that it's a personal thing....a self confidence thingy.

think must start mugging for my upcoming exams and draft my essay too...so i dun get to tied up when the deadline approaches, talking about this, i think must start doing my practical reports too.

am attending nussu agm now....faith thank god you decided that you don't want to and cannot come for this this is so boring....but all thanks to the laptops provided by wanling and marc...books, food etc...it's still quite bearable....not to mention the company lah...the last row occupied by vulcans...

i kind of derived a liking to people identifying sickness in me....proves that i'm so ill that it shows on my face...but i'm happy that i'm still surviving the stress and physical limitations.

talking about stress...i blame my present stress level on src...!@#$%^

am revisiting Queen of the damned, did i ever mentioned that i totally love anne rice's vampire chronicles? but i realised that i've forgotten a lot about all the characters in the chronicles...i only rem pandora and marius, who are, quite obviously my favourite characters.

am participating in a ppol competition tmr, hope i dun make a big foool out on my amatuer skills. haha

realised that this blog is no longer a safe haven for my thoughts anymore, esp someone...but then again when was this place "safe".

am very sick...think my mom foresaw this. she told me i was as pale as a sheet during the weekend...made so much chicken soup for me to drink at home...but in vain, this only managed to delay the onset of flu symptoms till today.

am letting my quality of work decline...usually i take pride in my work...not...it's really hard to be proud of anything i do. feeling quiting my ecas...but i'm already half way sucked in...

WHY CANT I GET A BADMINTON COURT!!!!!

have to delay/postpone the badminton tournament i'm organising indefinitely...my first project and such a failure. hate myself for that.

more reason to hate myself...i look bad in the first photo i took with him...sharks.!!

some more reason: may be someone can list more for me

was actually very happy on tues...went shopping, at metro, and watsons...bought skin care pdts which i normally dun need/use at all, going old. metro had sale, nice clothes...sale plus i had a voucher...buy buy buy

bought this very cute singing/moving unicorn soft toy which i saw a while ago...love it. wonders whether i should give it away or not. nobody buys soft toys for themselves rite?

went jogging to west coast too. man, i really declined in stamina...cannot even run out of nus campus, i think i only ran 1.6 km....failure...but west coast was very nice...nice playground but lots of mosquitoes *scratch scratch*

sick still...

slept 3 hours only last night....how come everybody is so surprised that i bother to wake up for my 8am lectures....actually if i start skipping lectures....what's the point of staying on campus.

am so glad i'm finally spending time at home....slacking....no essays fighting to complete....somehow i think cca work is slacking....will have to go shopping for the food hampers tomorrow...hahaha, giving out food hampers as prizes. inspired idea from one of my friends....this way prizes look big and won't exceed our budget...am glad my sub com is growing...in numbers and in efficiency...yay....

came home, found candle wax everywhere on the porch....think my sisters had a nice maf this yr...mine wasn't that bad either...had 3 celebrations thruout the week...

need to be more resolute about studying and sleeping more...if not i'll slip into a 3rd week of sleeping 3 hours everyday...mind over temptations...mind over temptations.....

so happy today that witnessing turned out really well.

actually the tougher cases were handled by another person...so i was left with the more prepared hearts. . . talked to my classmates too...so nice, we were witnessing to these other two girls at the pharmacy branch of science then my classmates just came and sat down, and i started evangelising to her....it's like she was brought to me....brought to God....then more and more of my classmates attending the same gem came....so happy...

then got so many people who stay at pgp too....got my bible today too....so excited i'm going to read esther....my mom's name...

didn't know evangelising so exciting.....

So long never blog.....kind of miss blogging. it's like although it's a bit of a hussle maintaining this....a blog is sort of a pensieve to me....

so happy to get my beloved laptop back.....just like it when people comment how small and slim my laptop is, how cool i can put in it into a box file and bring it around...hehehehe.....and i like the look of it too....nice nice...=)

can't rem all i want to post here liao....but i've been exploring nus compound more...esp the transport system out of here.....

am sleeping less and less.....before last week i sleep usually at 1am....now it's 3 am...coz whole day chit chatting.....but i enjoy it....

found someone who resembles my ex....bad thing is, i find myself liking him. which probably means i still haven't got over my ex...worse, i seem to see him/purposely see him everyday. bad bad bad....

we are both fans of holland v....so everytime i have something on at night...that i can't watch the show..he will record it down on his laptop then i'll go to his room to watch it when i come back....which is about 10pm.....then last night was some maf thing at pgp. one senior jioed me to go for it, so i jioed everybody i knew down too....so he went too...

i really cannot believe this guy loh. half way disappeared, so i carried on with my other friends....later, got a lantern, so went exploring the pgp back gate to sci park with this other friend A. came back, saw him waving from the second level gym.....excuse: program too boring so i went to gym....

later another friend not staying at pgp joined us with a lantern....wanted to go walk ard...so we entertained him. walk walk walk half way rained heavily....so the 4 of us stranded at a bus stop. the friend took a bus and left for home just before it rained....

was quite cold and wet there...strong winds...the seats were wet....quite bad loh...and i promised to sleep early at 10 pm....we start walking at 10pm....got stranded till 11.30 was so sleepy liao....in the drizzle, started walking briskly back...reached sci park, rain again...in the end i think everybody dying to get back liao...so that guy offered to shelter me with his windbreaker. it wasn't until he guarranteed that i will be dry till we reach our block that i gave way....

the logic behind it.....it's quite confusing...if u feel something special for that girl/guy, we tend to purposely avoid her/him cuz u feel conscious about it....others you regard as friends....you just dun realise.....

reach the back gate.....realised it's locked....wanted to climb over but met with violent objections from me...so walk to KR hall then walk the long long way way the A1 bus route.....that really got me hungry. but good thing was, i was kept warm by the windbreaker....no flu yet....only headache...

we're going to chinablack on thurs.

Am mugging in the med library!!!was mugging.....

i'm going into serious studying now, next week is my first CA....

how's life everyone? feels refreshed after going home this weekend. realised that my bro misses me too....haha, he was telling me this long story about how he and his friends played basketball...with no special incident happening whatsoever. guess he was just finding something to talk about.....hahaha.

on the other hand, i've added another shameless event to my life this weekend.......i can't believe it!

Great misfortune have befallen me. i spilt water on my laptop....those of u who have seen my laptop will know how much pride i have in it, coupled with the fact that it costs quite a bit....my heart really aches...the keyboard doesn't work...dare not try to switch it on for fear i will face a useless laptop. worse still, i don't know what and how to tell my mom that i spoilt my laptop just like that. now i'm in a sorry state, have to go aruond hunting for laptops and computers to use, millions and zillions thanks to faith and amy who have Graciously allowed me to use their laptop....=)...

NUSPS has thrown quite a few stuff for me to handle and frankly have little confidence that i can carry the projects through first of all they want a mid autumn festival party on 11 sep....so soon when they haven't even allowed me to recruit my com and the seniors haven't formally handed over. then i have to organise this holiday get away for the whole pharmacy dept....WOW....but i can tell that it's going ot be fun....just wondering if my activities will clash with bizcom and focc...

rite have to go...time is a great athelete.

I'm writing this during lect now. you can't imagine how boring learning repeats of stuff you mugged so hard for, is like....and this module is supposed to be the least repeating one already. but the problem is, it's physical chem!!! i thought i'll be dealing with organic chem and could throw away anything to do with physics and physical chem...

the past hunts you, isn't it true. last night was on icq when this "old" friend picked up conversation with me. "old" coz we went out /dated for a while but didn't go further. in that sense, he's not a bf rite? well, apparently after i talked about uni life, union ball and showed him the photos, he brought the topic back to how our suppose
d relationship just ended in silence. either i have great understanding abilities or he was an open book, when we started i knew that he liked me, towards the end i also knew that he wanted and had never given up on his crush. After prom, he decided to go after her again, so i let him go. personally, i was also looking for a reason to tell him "i don't love you". wonder if its the photos or he genuinely felt bad and wanted to catch up as friends, he suggested that we meet up one of these days.....shallow? i wouldn't know

Wonders more, why i always come back to this topic. received feedback that i have a slack timetable and should have taken 6 modules, but now it's too late already. only thing to do now is do extra well for this sem's modules

8.30plus am
_________________________________________

VERY VERY tired.....

was at the food court for "lunch" just now and my friends say i look lost and spacey....plain tired loh....slept too little over the past few days. usually i need 12 hours one loh.....

don't know why i'm still writing this now, when i'm supposed to be doing my essay which is due tonight. maybe blogging helps kick start the writing spirit....hopefully i don't get stuck while commenting in my essay later.

saw faith's blog...wah she a lot of time to go and update leh...but then most prob she types much much faster than this and it;s second nature to her already...anyway, felt that i need to let something out, sooner or later.

i miss home....it's true, though i don't like to admit it , i see it as a weakness. but the fact that my mom hung up on the phone promptly when i told her i'm not going home this weekend disturbs me, i tot she would want to talk to me more....miss my siblings too...surprisingly i don't miss my bed, it's probably stacked with stuff my family wants to pass to me....

i'm stressed with school work. i used to be far ahead of my classmates in school work, now, i'm falling behind average. people who know me long enough know i hate this feeling....but, i just never got down to reading my newly bought textbook, i even went to buy a textbook already....sigh....really want to appear all knowledgeable in tut class next week....MUST TRY.

but the main reason why i haven't done that is because i'm spending time trying to prove that i'm good or as good as my classmates in usp....think i'm really out of their league.....feel very stupid.

other than that, i got elected as sport and social director of NUSPS. not very impressive but i like the job, can lead and play at the same time, I LIKE......feel that i need to do something fast to prove my ability to the seniors....but i'm so tied up with work....how?

and i'm beginning to lose interest in bizcom. the reason why i'm staying and not really breathing a word about this is, i like to be around my friends and i like to be part of something big. and if you're in biz com, you sort of know everything that's going on around on campus....and it's just wrong to me to pull out of biz com, after the interview and all. the only reason i'm thinking of pulling out is that i'm thinking my too busy and want some free time to myself....but that's a bad reason and it does not hold water....

i really dun mind screwing up my life, if i had a lovelife to fall back on. you know, have someone to complain to, and make u feel better thinking that he's in this together with you. Then all i needed to do want start to realise i have a rather good target in my senior class, the next time i knew, i found out that he's probably attached to a classmate of mine. and it disturbs me ALOT....oh well, accordnig to the life section in the straits times as mentioned by faith, Men love women who love being alive, who are charming, interesting and engaging. hahaha, i think i only have genteelness lacking....but anyway that's a REALLY high opinion of myself..hahaha.

NEED TO PROVE MYSELF.

find that i've been speaking without thinking too much today...let's say this pharmacy senior of mine got a worse impression of me after every sentence i made.....OH NO!!

surprised myself by writing 2 "emotional" emails to my pharmacy class within a few days..... shall post it here...but can't find the first one already....

______________________________________________________________
Dear Shiwu, (my class rep)

you are making a BIG mistake when you said that our
morale is low.....last week maybe this was the case,
but not anymore.....

i just went down to bukit timah plaza to watch the 2nd
dance group practise.....namely carolyn, sherlyn and
rachel and amy, you girls are GREAT, in fact, kenneth
was very pleased to get the bunch of you, i'm sure you
already can tell that..and the guys....i really
appreciate all your efforts and the lengths you all
went through to make it for the rehearsals and step
out to volunteer for the dance....who could have known
that yen hon can dance so well...and arthur, is there
anything you are not good at? don't worry david and
justin you all are just as good. We aim to win!

there are many ways we gauge a victory. one is by
winning the top prize for the dance competition, the
other is from how united the group is. from today,
i'll say that WE HAVE WON TOP PRIZE, cuz the guys are
practically brothers already....and the girls....yeah
girl power.!more importantly, we have quite broken the
gender barrier that seems to be ever present in
lectures.

i'm sure with all the hard work all of us have put in,
you'll never regret signing up for the dance
competition. may the memories serve you for life.

Cheers.

______________________________________________________________

basically, a close friend and ex classmate of mine passed away.....i'm really saddened by it.....but i guess he wouldn't want me to lose my bubbliness coz of his passing away....i guess i'll feel the impact of it by and by. he's a grreat friend, always concerned, my image consultant too, and my part of my confidence, a huge part too, he's the one telling me how good i look in this outfit and terrible in another. guess it helped that we spent a good 4 hours shopping, chit chating on the day he died...will treasure the clothes and earing i bought with him...but the point of my emails was that i've found a choreographer for the trifac bash dance compeition for the pharmacy, medicine and dentistry people, ironically during my late friend's wake. and it took lots of persuasion of lots of people who aren't even in pharmacy to get the help, in the end my class didn't rise up to the occasion. so i wrote a long email expressing all the above to them. the next day the guys in class held a conference to get at least 3 of them to dance, as we had no lack of femal dancers. was really glad they understood and didn't "leave me disappointed" (words from my email).


feel so tired now. but so happy i'm part of biz com 25!

SKI yoghurt is nice.....

just came back from Zouk....found that phuture has a nice ambience than zouk...my first time there btw. me and my friend play in the promotion games and won quite a bit....got 3 $30 vouchers for iRiver products....2 $5 vouchers for brosproducts...a blow-up pillow...and a very squeezable bear....biggest take away....didn't drink at all....good thing....left early...good thing too....transport is not a trouble....like the feeling.

and went SHOPPING today....and bought 3 tops.....OMG....only intended to buy one chiong top...but in the end bought 3 casual tops....but i really like them. tried on lots of clothes too hehe....there was this black dress with a draping collar and sort of necklace chain on it from top shop....very nice....best thing, i look good in it...and there was this spag strap like thing from another shop but it has a zip in the front all thru it.....nice too....specially designed to show off your belly button...hahaha.....so long didn't shop already....enjoyed myself....

yesterday went for bridge lesson.....kaoz....was almost like the only girl there...then later my 2 friends zao4 didn't tell me somemore....and to top that up...kenna bullied by the guys i was playing with....kept losing...*sob sob*......and when the in charged told me that no pharmacy students join the club before....that was the ultimate,.....began doubting.....must be a serious reason why there aren't any pharmacy students in bridge right?

achieved something new yesterday.....i didn't eat breakfast lunch and dinner....or rather anything substantial....only eat 4 small pieces of biscuit, 2 small slices of my coconut cake...and some wang4 wang4.....really made myself wonder how i survived....

received a rose today. an artificial one...the kind that you make it out of plastic material. but know what? he actually bought it for his crush to apologise to her....dun think it'll work though......and he decided to give some of his females friends one each too....sigh sigh....

anyway, went to help out at the welfare bazaar today...sat there with justin from my class for one hour, met lots of med friends from seniors too....lots of pharmacy friends dropped by too....but my booth got nothing to show...not to mention sell/ promote....when finally the stuff came....they were all working clothes...not exactly saleable material...and to top it up, the booth beside mine is selling new Lea clothes..feel like hopping over to their booth instead...

today's morning lect was.....generally feeling was, the lecturer is good...speaks understandable english but the content is a repeat of a level....how not to be bored leh? so spent my time doing the secret pal thingy i'm organising for my class....think we really need to get out of our clicks and mix around...this will be a good way. YAY!! so happy i finally carried thru the first part of this "project"....got everybody a sp by the end of 2nd lect.

talking about 2nd lect....whoa...killer man....after not touching any organic chem for 8 months....today we were introduced to new compounds and functional groups.....think no matter how good we are....all of us had to admit we were lost in there....and it's only the first lect.....tsk tsk...must go get a text book to read....

faith: i'll definitely do that......

Reason why i didn't elaborate on the guy: i find out that he's got a crush and she's not me....

Reasons i have a good impression of him:
1)he has the gift of gab
2)he really looks out for his friends
3)he's nice to get along with
4)he's smart, ok-looking, interesting
5)can't tell he plays harmonica too
6)he loves humanitarian work.

too good to be true right....that's why...that's why...