feel OFF, like not happening, not alive, not making full use of my time. it's the weekend, i have no lessons tomorrow and i'm not going out. one good reason not to is that the a level students will be running all over. celebrating, sobbing.....

what did i do last year? i think i went straight home, none of my friends were in an outrageously good mood to celebrate.

don't like people. prefer machines. what's the use of acting cute an giving half-hearted praises. i think i need someone to talk to. some one who can make me feel confident, someone whom i respect, someone who's been through all this but is not in anything. i think i know who. but would it be weird receiving a distress call at 7 am in the morning? great way to sadden the whole day right?

need to find my essence, my roots, myself again.

am procrastinating my spiritual development, my studies as well. guess it's true. the moment i kick God out of my life, everything goes wrong.

i'm conditioned to think that anything that's bad happening to me is because I am not at peace with God. and vice-versa. however, i'm less sensitive to my happiness.

i have no stamina and determination. i want out, NOW!
(goes back and sob inside)

*afterthought*
i really told myself not to feel so hurt that i incurred the wrath of someone time and again. "you can't please anyone" but.....but.....it's not as if i don't care. in fact, i care a lot about this. i figured out that i was made better without a mouth. and my fingers would do a better job talking. the reason being i type slower than i talk. so i think faster than i type. so i can backspace. yah! typing allows backspace!

go away, all ye who don't understand me. (i'm of course not talking to the correct audience here, but i have time on my hands and i need somewhere to vent my tots)

this is a long blog but many times, if only i have a PDA with me, you'll see much more tots. it's just like the time when i was with jh and i write down almost everything i see hear and think, mostly think to him. that was when i transformed from a one finger typist to a 3 finger one. still don't use the last 2 fingers, got weak fingers, can't play piano.